笑话短文

1. 笑话短文

乌龟受伤.让蜗牛去买药。过了二个小时.蜗牛还没回来。乌龟急了骂道:“他妈的再不回来老子就死了!”这时门外传来了蜗牛的声音:“你他妈再说老子不去了!”

2. 求短篇笑话

1、 一人在办公室老是放响屁，同事忍不住说：你能不能不出声？然后便见他坐在那摇来晃去抖个不停，问：干什么？回答说：我调成振动的了 ！ 


2、一民工大便不通去医院作检查，医生检查后给此人开了一个药方，民工到取药处一看是一卷手纸，不解，医生说：以后不要再用水泥袋擦屁股了！


3、某人第一次见到大海，感叹道：“大海啊！母亲！”话音刚落，一个浪头打过来，正好打在他的脸上，此人怒道：“**！还他****是个后妈！


4、猴子拣到一个卡，于是爬到树枝上想看清楚是啥卡。不料一个雷击中了它，猴子哭着说：“原来是‘IP’(挨劈)卡呀！！”


5、局长与科长共乘电梯，局长放一屁后对科长说：你**了！科长说：不是我放的。不久科长被免职。局长在会上说：屁大的事你都担待不起，要你何用？


6、在一家时装店，我看到一个等得不耐烦的青年人对一个漂亮女孩说：“你介意和我说几句话吗？”女孩好奇地问：“为什么？”“我妻子进这个店已经一个多小时了，但她 如果看见我和你说话，她会马上出来的......”没等他说完，他妻子已快步走出时装店，挽着他离开了。


7、某君开车内急 情急之下尿在空雪碧瓶里 趁堵车时奔下车想把瓶仍到垃圾桶里被一敬职的巡警拦住 瓶里装的啥 喝剩的雪碧 那你喝一口给我看看！


9、想你的感觉就想：炒菜没放盐；苹果不太甜；喝酒少了烟；逛街忘带钱。有空时我会想你，没空时我会抽空想你，实在抽不出空我就--什么都不做了，光想你！


10、儿子每晚要和妈妈睡。
妈说：你长大了娶了媳妇也和妈睡呀？
儿答：嗯！
妈说：那你媳妇咋办？
儿说：让她跟爸睡。
爸听后激动的说：这孩子从小就懂事！


11、食人族父子打猎，其子擒一瘦子，其父曰：放，没肉！其子又擒一胖子，其父曰：放，太腻！其子又擒一美女，其父曰：带回家，晚上把你妈吃了！ 


12、一条警犬看到马路上过来一条普通狗，就气势凶凶地跑去质问它：我是警犬，你是什么东西？普通狗不屑一顾地看看它说：蠢货，看清楚点，老子是便衣！ 


13、男人有外遇之症状：公司天天加班，家务从来不沾，手机回家就关，短信回完就删，上床呼噜震天，内裤经常反穿。对照检查符合三条属于疑似，四条可确诊

3. 笑话故事（短篇）

4. 寻英语小报材料!如短文,笑话,寓意故事等!

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.上帝曾经答应我
Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked 4 world peace. That's impossible, he said.

有一次上帝来到我面前答应了我一个愿望。我说我要世界和平。“那是不可能的”他说。

Then I asked him 2 give u brains. He said, "Let me try world peace".


然后我请让你变聪明。他说：“你还是让我试试让世界和平吧。” 1.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?
Jack: Certainly.
Tom: And why?
Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.
汤姆：威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他？
杰克：当然应该了。
汤姆：为什么？
杰克：否则他就该跟我借了
2.I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.
'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him.
'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.
我陪丈夫一起出差，他带着他的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要他打开包。他耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。
“你为什么那么紧张呢？”我问他。
“这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”他承认道
3.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.

妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？
汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了
4.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'
My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'
一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”
我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”
5.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'
'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.
玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天对他抱怨说：“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”
“不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。 Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似

18.鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”


I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”


A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”


英语笑话（一）

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

英语笑话（二）

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

英语笑话（三）

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人：哦，

亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧

-- 服务员，

这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。

英语笑话（六）The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

英语笑话（七）Advice for "Kid"

A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."

忠告“年轻者”

这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，

千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

英语笑话（八）Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

哪一位女人？

一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”

我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”

英语笑话（九）The doctor lives downstairs

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

医生住在楼下

“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。

“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”

他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

英语笑话（十）One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

只剩一个引擎

一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”
回答者：lovemydream - 高级经理 七级 7-5 10:08

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其他回答共 2 条
Logic Reasoning 逻辑推理

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

逻辑推理

小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”

[注]bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。

Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？你停止打你老婆了吗?

This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent‘s witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．
“I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel．“There is no need for you to argue the point！”
“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness．
“There are not！” snapped the lawyer．
“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：“Have you ceased beating your wife？”

这个故事讲的是一个咄咄逼人的辩护律师，他惯于尽量去恐吓对方的证人。
有一个证人有点倾向于在回答问题之前做冗长的解释。
“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辩护律师怒喝道： “你没有必要就这个问题进行争论。”
“可是有些问题无法用‘是’或者‘不是’来回答。”这位证人温和地回敬他。
“不存在这样的问题！”律师厉声打断他。
“噢，”证人说：“那么请你回答这个问题：“你停止打你老婆了吗？”

Two Birds


Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。


"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。


昨天夜里我爸妈表演“混合双打”

Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？
体育老师：孩子们，你们见过男女混合双打吗？

Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

尼克：见过，老师，经常见。就在昨天夜里我还见过呢！

Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

老师：那你给大家讲讲当时的情形吧。

Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”

尼克：啊，对不起，老师。我爸爸常说:“家丑不可外扬。”(

1．we two who and who？
咱俩谁跟谁阿

2．how are you ? how old are you?
怎么是你，怎么老是你？

3．you have seed I will give you some color to see see, brothers ！ together up ！
你有种，我要给你点颜色瞧瞧，兄弟们，一起上！

4．as far as you go to die
有多远，死多远！！！！

5．hello everybody!if you have something to say,then say!if you have nothing to say,go home!!
有事起奏，无事退朝

6．you me you me
彼此彼此

7．You Give Me Stop!!
你给我站住！

8．know is know noknow is noknow
知之为知之，不知为不知…

9．WATCH SISTER
表妹

10．dragon born dragon,chicken born chicken,mouse’’son can make hole!!龙生龙，凤生凤，老鼠的儿子会打洞！

11.．I give you face you don’t wanna face,you lose you face ,I turn my face
给你脸你不要脸，你丢脸，我翻脸

12．one car comeone car go ,two car pengpeng,people die
(车祸现场描述 )

13．heart flower angry open
心花怒放

14．go past no mistake past
走过路过，不要错过

15．小明：I am sorry!
老外：I am sorry too!
小明：I am sorry three!
老外：What are you sorry for?
小明：I am sorry five!

16．If you want money,I have no;if you want life,I haveone!
要钱没有，要命一条

17．I call Li old big. toyear 25.
我叫李老大，今年25。

18．you have two down son
你有两下子。

19.好好学习，天天向上：
good good study,day day up!

20.people mountain people sea!
人山人海。

5. 笑话短篇

　　高数课，老师在黑板上奋笔疾书，底下闹成一片，老师忍无可忍：“ 同学们声音小一点！”
　　一哥们曰：“老师，慢慢你就习惯啦！”
　　老师FAINT!

　　2、高中全校必须穿校服。。。有一复读的学生从来都不穿。。。
　　管这方面的老师天天蹲在门口检查。。一日。。老师看到此同学没         穿校服。。问其为什么不穿。
　　此同学大怒曰：我妈又没死。。。为什么要穿孝服。。。
　　老师汗到死。。。

　　3、这个也许不算接嘴：老师拖堂！“最后我还要讲一点……”派一强男接口大声道“强扭的瓜不甜！”，全场寂静……
　　老师脸铁青：“……下课”


　　5、初中时下课喜欢几个男生一个扑蝴蝶,结果一同学玩得太兴奋，上课铃响时，数学老师叫他几遍都没回答。
　　上课5分钟后，此同学跑到门口喊报告，老师生气的说：“我就是喊一条狗，它都会摇尾巴啊！”
　　此同学小声的接到：“我又没尾巴……”全班暴笑，连老师也忍不住了……

　　6、我的一个弟兄在高数课上老师问：“微积分是很有用的学科，学习微积分，我们的目标是什么？我弟兄：没有蛀牙！

　　7、上语文课老师说：其实黄鼠狼是不吃鸡的，那是科学家经过实验得出的。
　　曾经把一只鸡和黄鼠狼关在一起，第二天你们猜怎么了？
　　同学接道：鸡怀孕了。

　　8、初中物理课讲到氖管的使用，我们班一个胖子坐在最后一排站起来问到：老师氖管里面的奶要是流出来怎么办？
　　全班静，老师没有说话一直讲其他的到下课，第二天上课一开始该老师开始对昨天那位同学火冒三丈，
　　全班于是对老师    的反映速度有了解。

　　10、一绘画老师小有名气，某报上有较大篇幅报道，并附照片，
　　于是在课上自吹：“最近总有同学和我说，老师你真行，上了报纸还登了照片。。。”
　　我：“寻人启示么？”结果：老师怒视我至少5分钟，然后讲课。

　　11、高三，几何老师，一BT老太，爱自吹，巨烦人。
　　一日在课上：“我在市教育局都很受重视的，他们总是请我去一起研究问题，每次都是车接。。。车送
　　我：“三轮么？”结果：从此被禁止上几何课。

　　12、初中校领导开会，下面的同学很不自觉，扔了一地板的面巾纸(当天温度差不多50度。
　　开完会后，一名领导接着讲：同学们，今天满地都是卫生巾，本来就不干净的地板被弄得不成样了，
　　男同学全部留下来收拾干净。女同学哭笑不得。。

　　13、至今我还不知道那老师是讲对还是讲错了的，说上高中时，英语老师(一五十左右中年妇女)
　　嫌我么几个男生不听讲，遂大骂：
　　“你们想什么呢？”“想你呢!”我于是回答。
　　老师沉默半响后指着我又大骂：你就是一个臭流氓！

　　14、高中的时候，第一次上劳动课，老师是个老头，自我介绍说“我叫吴树山。”偶马上接道！“西北望长安，可怜无数山”。
　　全班爆笑，老师面色铁青，偶被罚干重活。寒
　　～按：“西北望长安，可怜无数山”摘自辛弃疾《菩萨蛮书江西造口壁》

　　15、语文课，老师叫起一昏睡同学回答问题，该同学迷迷糊糊啥也说不出……
　　老师说：“你会不会呀？不会也吱一声啊！”
　　该同学：“吱。”老师汗。

　　16、上摄影课，一同学拍到两小孩，在喷泉旁打闹，老师问：“这是什么画面啊？”
　　下面传来一句话：“鸳鸯戏水。”众狂笑~~~~~

　　17、音乐课上，教师做音乐接龙，即前一个同学喝一个音调的“拉”，下一个同学要先重复前一个同学的“拉”，
　　再唱出另一个音调的“拉”。
　　有个男生无聊，在每个人的“拉”音后都加个字，什么“拉风”！“拉面”！“拉大便”之类，
　　等到他用非常优美的音色唱出一个“拉”后，音乐老师笑咪咪的看着他说：“让我们看看你能拉什么。”

　　18、语文课上＜＜雁荡山＞＞老师:“。。。。。。。以上各句说明它是很翘很陡很挺的同学是不是?!“
　　众男生绝对大声回答:“是!!!“
　　一女生突道:“那上它的时候安全吗?!“众人狂笑中。。。。。。这课就没完了!

　　19、我觉得，我们高中数学老师最经典。我班的一个女孩坐后排，在听随身听，耳朵堵着所以说话声很大，
　　对她同桌说：老师过来告诉我一声。几乎所有同学都听到了。
　　老师也不例外，看看那位同学，然后说：我不过去。

　　20、升旗仪式校长作思想报告：“。。。。我就是中国人民的儿子。”底下同学“我是中国人民”

　　21、一次学校开联欢会，老师(60多的老太)让出节目。
　　同学就起哄：老师也出个节，跳个舞。一男生叫道：跳个钢管舞。
　　老师不懂钢管舞的意思，以为要让她跳忙说：我老了不行了年轻的时候还可以，大…………

　　22、我们高中时候快会考了，上的是地理课，老师在上面报一个地名我们就在下面回答矿产，
　　说了很多地方老师突然问了一句:“江南产什么?“
　　全班男生齐声回答:“江南产美女!!!! ”

　　23、上物理课时，老师讲凸透镜，讲到了照相机。正在黑板上板书，忽闻下面有说笑声，于是转过身来点那呆瓜起来，
　　问他讲什么，那小子支支吾吾总算挤了句话：“老师你写错了”
　　于是我们回头看黑板，只见黑板上老师写的字过草，赫然是“照机机”
　　…………全班暴笑，一向以严厉著称的老师脸暴红，什么都没说…………

　　24、偶们老师一次上课时说:“老板就是老板着脸，老婆就是老婆婆妈妈。老伴就是老陪伴着你~~ ~~~”
　　偶同桌大声问老师:“老师，那老师是不是就是底下老湿呀?“老师遂暴走!!


　　25、自习课时，教务主任走进来，问班长“帮我找两个人，我要班花”，于是班长就组织全班投票评选起班花来，
　　闹了一节课，终于统一了意见，选出了班里最PL的两MM,于是两MM很羞涩的去找主任，
　　主任说“跟我去教务处，我要搬花。。。”

　　26、高中时政治老师上课时说道？：“资本主义的那些发达国家，特别是米国，强大了就老是欺负其他国家。
　　我们社会主义的中国是不会这样做的，就算强大了，也不会去欺负别……”
　　我同桌接道：“不去欺负一下别人，怎么知道自己强不强大呢？”全班暴笑，老师暴走！！！

　　27、我高中的时候化学有置换银的实验~那时候偶的一个同学置换成功了~大叫道:老师!真的有银出来啊!
　　然后又说:老师~你怎么不去卖银(卖淫)呢?
　　(注:老师女)老师没有听出来，还答道:卖银不是随便就能卖的，要国家的允许啊。。。。
　　全班倒

　　28、高中时，班主任(20几岁的女老师)一日对体育委员说：“你去班上找两个男生，要强壮的，一会儿我要用。”
　　待老师走后偶狂笑不止

　　29、初中时，一日全校学生大会，班主任想让体育委员确认一下全班女生来齐没有。
　　就对他(体育委员是一个极强壮的好色男生)说：“你去把全班女生清一下。”
　　体委也不是省油的灯，忙问：“亲哪个？”
　　老师想了一会儿：“我晓得还要你去！”

6. 英语趣味短文，要有中文（可以是笑话）。 谢谢了

One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire.
“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don’t think of money when they’re afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
“You don’t know my work，” said the other．
“What is your work？”
“I’m a policeman.
“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
“I’m a writer． I’m always telling stories about things that never happened

7. 寻求短篇笑话！

08年最佳短篇小说《误解》：
老公: 现在几点？
老婆：十点。
老公：整吗？
老婆：太早了吧，别人都没有睡觉呢!
老公：我是问十点整吗？
老婆：十一点再整吧

8. 作文《我的理想》笑话

笑话 
作文我的理想是做一坨鸡屎，一坨又大又臭的鸡屎。
  我首先要去臭死我的同学XXX，因为他欠了我的五毛钱一直不还，上课还拿我的本子乱划。
  我还要臭死我的班主任，她每次找我谈话都是收钱，收这么多的钱，我要臭死她。
  我还要臭死数学老师，这个学期我每次考试都不及格，其实我能及格的，但是他不让我抄。
  我还要臭死校长，为什么星期一的升旗仪式他可以在台上讲话，我们要在下面淋雨。
  最后我要臭死自己，我臭死这么多人,警察一定拉我去坐牢，我不要坐牢，我把自己也臭死。